Conflict: Space, Episode 4 - A New Pope
by Ezekiel Light
Summary: My parody of Star Wars Episode 4: A New Hope. The Catholic Church becomes taken over by the Empire and . . . yeah. Read it (if you dare).


Conflict: Space  
  
Episode 4 - A New Pope  
  
by Grim Jedi  
  
Episode IV  
  
A looooooooong time ago, in a place faaaaaaaaaaaaaar far away, there lived an evil empire. Well, not really "lived," because an empire doesn't really have a life, so . . . ahh, skip it.  
  
Anyway, this empire had just crowned . . . uhh, hatted . . . a new pope, Pomegranate II, by gaining sway with the Catholic Church over several years. Now, the Pope and his evil Archbishop Marv Vader, working from his "funkelnagelneu" (tell me what THAT means -- its German) Vatican Star, have taken over the Church in full and plans to convert the universe to Roman Catholicism, and in that way rule it all! And now, as that isn't a bad thing in a religious sense, the plot to rule the universe is inherently evil, and so with the tradition of movie cliches, the "bad guys" had to now be stopped.  
  
Building in the wake of the evil Vatican Empire growing was the Protestant Union, led by Martinus Lutherini. Martinus and his militant Protestants were opposed to the evil way that the Vaticans ran things and planned to stop it.  
  
Secretly guiding the Protestants were a secret society of knights called the Jedi. Long ago forced into exile because of their beliefs (the planets revolve around the Sun? No . . .), they are severly opposed to the Catholic Church until they change their decision.  
  
And so, this brings us to the planet of Tatooed, a desert planet on the outskirts of the growing Vatican Empire.  
  
  
  
Duke Skytalker (his first name was James, but he didn't like that name) walked through the cantina, which had grown to a point that it was as much a meetingplace as the church. He was one of the "clean people" here on Tatooed. Or at least, that was what they called people without tatoos. In reality, he had a small one on his palm, a big J, but he didn't know what that meant.  
  
Duke stepped out of the cantina and was approached by a little blue robot PS2. Duke couldn't understand what the little droid said -- all it could get out was "Vroom!" -- but he loved playing games on it.  
  
"Hello, PS2!" Duke said. PS2 spun and vroomed loudly. Over time, Duke had known this to mean that he should follow the droid. Duke nodded and followed PS2.  
  
It soon took him to the run-down "home" of O'Bobwin Shoobi, or whatever his name was. He stepped inside and found O'Bobwin reading a book. Duke swallowed.  
  
"Erm . . . Mr. O'Bobwin?" Duke said.  
  
"Obi-Wan," the old man muttered through gritted teeth.  
  
"Oba-what?"  
  
"Obi-Wan!" he shouted, standing. He knocked the book off of the desk. "Obi-Wan Shinobi!" He whirled to see Duke standing there frightened. "Don't just stand there, do you know what you are?"  
  
"W-what?" Duke asked.  
  
"Dangit!" Obi-Wan screeched, pulling Duke's right hand open to reveal the J. "Ahh," Mr. Shinobi sighed. "So you ARE to be Jedi. I have to remember to thank that psychic . . ."  
  
"What!?" Duke said. "Listen, I've gotta go home. So, if I can just leave . . ."  
  
"Frozen," Shinobi spat.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Your house has been frozen by those damn Vaticans," Obi-Wan related. "We've got to go, NOW, or Marv Vader is going to freeze YOU, or worse, convert you to Roman Catholicism."  
  
"But I AM a Catholic," Duke protested.  
  
"See?" Obi-Wan said. "All the more reason to LEAVE!" Obi-Wan pulled on Duke's sleeve, but Duke pulled free.  
  
"But why!?" Duke demanded. Obi-Wan whirled on him.  
  
"Hmm, lemme see," Obi-Wan began. "Oh! I got it! You've been marked as Jedi, your house has been frozen, you may be the only chance to save the universe, the Catholic Church is ruled by Vader and that IDIOT Pomegranate, Pomegranate is going to freeze YOU, hmm, that enough?"  
  
"But--"  
  
"No buts!" Obi-Wan snapped. "We leave!"  
  
"A-alright . . ." Duke stuttered. Obi-Wan pulled up his hood.  
  
"And kid," he said, opening the door. "When you address me, call me the Grim Jedi. It's a style thing . . . you wouldn't understand."  
  
"Can I call you Grim?" Duke asked. Obi-Wan sighed.  
  
"Yes . . ." Grim said disgustedly.  
  
Marv Vader, wearing his red-and-white archbishops uniform and his black helmet, strode through the hallways to salutes from Tidalsoldiers. Good men, Tidalsoldiers. Dressed in black, dedicated to the Church . . . or at least to himself and the pope. Who he was going to see right now.  
  
Vader turned the corner into the conference room. Pomegranate stood, addressing the archbishops.  
  
"Ah, Archbishop Vader," Pomegranate said, smiling. "Glad you could come."  
  
"I am MARV Vader, not Archbishop Vader," Vader said, sitting. "The title isn't my name."  
  
"Yes, yes, I understand," Pomegranate nodded. "Now, onto conquering Nabisco. The little Oreos on that planet annoy me. Before taking it, eliminate them. Archbishop Vader, I want you to position the Vatican Star above Nabisco. If the planet can not be taken, I want you to OBLITERATE Nabisco. Understood?"  
  
"Yes, Mr. Pope, ma'am, sir!" Vader saluted. The Pope saluted.  
  
"Leave my presence."  
  
The Grim Jedi and Duke Skywalker walked through the cantina, followed by PS2, and approached a man in shades and a leather jacket. Standing next to the table the man sat in was a huge green-haired creature Duke knew to be a Wonka from pictures at school, which he now presumed frozen as well. Grim nodded to the man.  
  
"Where's my money?" the man asked.  
  
"Please," Grim said. "Introduce yourself to the boy." The man looked at Duke.  
  
"I'm Bono," the man said. "John Bono. You?"  
  
"J-Duke Skywalker," Duke said. Bono looked confused.  
  
"J. Duke Skywalker?" Bono asked.  
  
"No," Duke said slowly. "My real name is JAMES--" Duke grimaced. "But please call me Duke."  
  
"Alright, J. Duke," Bono said. "So, where's my money, ol' man?"  
  
"Half now," Grim told Bono. Bono grimaced.  
  
"Why not all now?" Bono asked. "I'm good for it!"  
  
"Half now!" Grim shouted. Bono shouted.  
  
"OOOMPALOOMPA!" the Wonka shouted loudly. Bono grinned.  
  
"This my Wonka first mate," Bono said. "Name's Charlie. He said 'Hi. Sit down and shut up.'"  
  
"OooomPA!" Charlie said.  
  
"Erm . . . yes . . ." the Grim Jedi said. "Aaanyway . . . here's your fifty thousand." Grim dropped fifty thousand credits on the table. Duke's jaw dropped. "Take us to your ship." Bono nodded.  
  
In the hangar was a large eagle-shaped starship. Bono patted it.  
  
"This is my ship," Bono told them. "The Bicentennial Eagle. Fastest ship this side of the Vatican. And I think it's the fastest on the other side, but I never race there, anyway. Yeah, buddy. From the outside, the eyes look like Susan B. Anthony coins. Impressive, eh?" Bono nodded to Charlie, who opened the staircase. Everyone got inside.  
  
Inside were a great many things. Soda machine, an X-Box Holo Edition game port, ball pit. The works. Charlie and PS2 got in a heated game of Project Gotham Podracing, while Grim and Duke set out to exploring the ship. Duke spent 1.5 credits on a can of soda. The Grim Jedi was talking to Bono.  
  
"Grab a railing!" Bono called. "5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 1/2 . . . 1 1/4--"  
  
"GO, DANGIT!" Grim yelled, pushing the throttle. The sound of engines flaring up filled the ship. An eagle's cry went up just as the Bicentennial Eagle shot out of the hangar.  
  
Marv Vader was in his camo-archbishop uniform and traditional black helmet in the forests of Nabisco. Nips grew off of trees, which was a good thing, because Vader had been hungry. He was glad they were the cheese kind. Munching, he made his way through the jungle to the makeshift fortress. Suddenly, three Oreos came on him with crude blasters. Vader whipped out his beamsword and hacked wildly. One of his slashes hit an Oreo, lopping his head off. Creme filling flew everywhere. Vader ran through the air and kicked a tree, backflipping down and kicking a second. He used the Pulse to throw the third into a bush of wafers and ran. As he ran, licked the creme off his fingers. He didn't like Oreos, but he DID like the creme. Oh, ever so much . . . (if you think this is a sexual joke, you are WRONG, sicko! It's just a joke about how people eat Oreos!)  
  
Grim began to teach Duke how to use the Compulsion. Duke called it the Pulse, and Grim applauded him for learning the ancient nickname for the Compusion quickly. Floating orbs hung around Duke, zapping him. He hadn't handled the Pulse enough to be able to sense the orbs.  
  
"OW!" Duke cried. Zap! Zap! "Ah-ha-how!! Make it stop!! MAKE IT STOP!!!" Grim threw out his hand, using the Pulse to slam the orbs into each other and deactivate themselves. Duke dropped the wooden sword and pulled off the blindfold.  
  
"DANGIT, GRIM!" he yelled, throwing the snippet of the Pulse he could master at the Grim Jedi. Grim allowed himself to be moved a little, then pulled Duke into the air and jacked him up against a wall.  
  
"Listen, boy," Grim said. "If you don't learn a little--"  
  
"IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY-WAH-AH-AH-AH-AOW-OH, YEAH YEAH-EAH!!!" Bono's voice cracked. Grim rocked Bono's chair with the Pulse, telling him silently to shut up, which Bono did quickly. Grim turned back to Duke.  
  
"If you don't learn a little RESPECT," he continued. "You won't learn the Compulsion."  
  
"B-b-bring the orbs back," Duke choked. "I think I can--"  
  
A loud noise of crashing was heard. Bono looked out and cursed.  
  
"Erm, old man?" Bono said. "We just crashed into the Vatican Star." Grim cursed and Pulsed Bono into a chair.  
  
"What's up with this!?" Grim said. "Alright." Grim tossed Duke a lightkatana and lighted his own. "Come on Duke."  
  
"Not so fast, ol' man," Bono said. He had two blasters and tossed one to Charlie, who oompaloomped loudly. "We're coming. I mean to see that you live so I can get paid." Grim cursed under his breath.  
  
"Alright, everybody," Grim said. "We'll only have a few minutes out there, so use them wisely. We're gonna find a place to get in and get in, then we deal with the pope and . . . yeah. Let's go."  
  
Bono opened the hatch and crept out, blaster in hand. He motioned to the others and pointed to a convinient hatch labeled trash. Duke shook his head, but Grim nodded. PS2 whirred and vroomed, while Charlie shouted loudly. Bono smacked Charlie upside the head, telling him to conserve his air. Charlie shut up.  
  
Grim led Bono, Duke, and Charlie to the hatch and opened it, climbing in. As he climbed up, the rest got in after him, each taking deep breaths. They were doing fine until some trash barreled down. Bono, Duke, Charlie, and the Grim Jedi stuck to the walls, but PS2 kept rolling happily along. As the trash was about to hit him, the little droid zapped it into oblivion. Duke breathed.  
  
The party climbed up, clearly into a section of some sort of dungeon. A blonde-haired pretty lady instantly threw her arms around Duke's neck and kissed him.  
  
"You saved me!" she cried. Duke looked confused.  
  
"Hey, what?" Duke got out. She frowned, then threw her arms around Bono and kissed him.  
  
"Then YOU saved me!" she said.  
  
"I didn't do anything," he protested. She then turned to Grim, and not wanting to kiss him, put her hand on his shoulder.  
  
"You have saved me, brave Jedi," she told him. Grim brushed her hand off his shoulder.  
  
"Hands off, woman," he said. She pouted and sat on the floor.  
  
"Someone HAD to have saved me!" she said.  
  
"We just got here," Duke explained. "I don't think climbing up the trash tube is saving ANYBODY." She stood, frowning.  
  
"Then let's get out of here," she said. "If nobody saved me, I'll have to save myself." Charlie oompaloompaed loudly. Grim nodded and led the way, silently.  
  
Marv Vader, back on the Vatican Star and in his red and white archbishop clothes, lounged in his office and sipped coffee. Another resisting planet, another chance to use the Armageddon Beam. At leas, that was it's real name. Pomegranate called it Divine Justice From the Pope (and Indirectly God), but Marv Vader called it Really Cool Beam Thingy That Make Planet Go BOOM! In any case, Nabisco had to go. All those cheese nips had to go, too, and that made Vader sad. He took another sip. Ah, well. Soon enough, he would kick Pomegranate out of his snug little pope position and make himself pope.  
  
Suddenly, a Tidalsoldier burst through the door.  
  
"Duchess Leah has escaped!" the Tidalsoldier exclaimed. Vader spit out all of his coffee -- even regurgitating some to spit it out -- on the Tidalsoldier. He wiped his helmet.  
  
"What!?" he demanded.  
  
"She, three men, a Wonka, and a droid just left the dungeons! We've got it all on tape!" The Tidalsoldier produced a tape and slammed it on the table. It read Sexy Playboy Models Just For You. The Tidalsoldier quickly grabbed the tape and put another on the table, titled Vatican Star Presents: Duchess Leah Escapes.  
  
"Good," Vader said. The Tidalsoldier quickly saluted and turned to leave. "Soldier!" The Tidalsoldier slowly turned back around. "Give me the first tape. I will need it for special viewing."  
  
The Grim Jedi and the rest came upon two Tidalsoldiers talking. He counted to three on his fingers and then they ambushed them. Bono, PS2, and Charlie first strafed the hallway, firing, and then Grim and Duke jumped out, slashing. Sparks flew everywhere. The Tidalsoldiers didn't stand a chance and were knocked unconcious. The Grim Jedi quickly snatched a map out of one of their uniforms and looked at it.  
  
"Hmm . . . if this map is correct," he said, examining it. "The Worship Room should be . . . that way." He pointed down the hall. The party took off.  
  
Sure enough, the hall led to the Worship Room. Grim looked around and nodded appreciatingly, walking up to the altar.  
  
"Stained glass," Grim said. "Nice . . ." Suddenly, Marv Vader strode in, producing a beamsword and knocking the Grim Jedi down to the ground, throwing back his hood. Bono and Charlie fired, but a shield of Pulse deflected the beams.  
  
"So, Grim Jedi," Vader said. "We meet again."  
  
"Vader!" Grim exclaimed. "You evil--"  
  
"The Catholic Church will consume you!" Vader shouted. "Convert or die!"  
  
"Never!" Grim spat. "And the planets DO revolve around the Sun!"  
  
"LIES!!" Vader shouted, raising his beamsword. Just as Marv brough his beamsword down, Grim rolled out of the way and produced his lightkatana. Vader spat.  
  
"You traded in a good beamsword for that CRAP!" Vader shouted.  
  
"RUN!" Grim told Duke and the rest, throwing a crumpled ball at Duke's head. Duke picked it up. "Find the control room!" Vader slammed the hilt of his beamsword onto Grim's head. Duke, Charlie, Leah, Bono, and PS2 ran out.  
  
Grim stood, blood trickling from the wound. Vader laughed.  
  
"You were never as strong as me!" Vader told Grim. Grim scowled.  
  
"I trained you!" Grim snapped. "And your brother, and your other brother, and your cousin! The trainee will never surpass the master! Never!"  
  
"You imbicile!" Vader spat. "You still use the Right Side of the Pulse, of course! The Left Side grants strength never seen on the Right!"  
  
"You fool!" Grim shouted. "The Left Side is--"  
  
"Talk, talk!" Vader interrupted. "Enough talk! I need action!" Vader and Grim dropped into the traditional Jedi stance. Then, a huge duel ensued. Lightkatana versus beamsword. Green versus purple. Left Side versus Right Side. Jedi versus Archbishop.  
  
The Grim Jedi slashed at Vader's right, but Vader blocked it and countered with and overhand hacking blow. Grim stepped out of the way and stabbed. Vader blocked it away, and in one swift motion, both beam blades met at the top of their swings. They brought them down until it was a matter of force. The Pulse pushed against itself, both sides trying to gain an advantage. Suddenly, Grim got an idea.  
  
"Look," Grim muttered through gritted teeth. "It's Pamela Lee." Marv instantly gave up trying and turned to look.  
  
"Where!?" he asked. He raised his hand to shade his vision. Grim raised his sword to strike, but Vader whirled and Pulsed the lightkatana away.  
  
"Ha!" Vader mocked. "I wouldn't fall for the oldest trick in the book!" Vader kicked Grim to the ground. "Time to die, Jedi!" He raised his beamsword high. "Hey, it rhymes!" he exclaimed. Just as he was about to swing it down, Grim brought his foot up into Vader's nether regions. Vader squealed and fell, grabbing at his crotch. Grim quickly produced a length of rope and tied Vader up, gagging his mouth with an old sock. Grabbing his weapon, Grim used the lightkatana to destroy Vader's beamsword. He began to drag Vader along with the Pulse.  
  
Bono led the group going to the control room. They blasted and hacked their way through countless Tidalsoldiers (countless equals five in this case) and got to the control room. As soon as they entered, the Pope used the Pulse to knock Bono, Charlie, Leah, and Duke down to the ground.  
  
"Imbecilic insurgents!" he cried. "Raucous rebels! Dang-on--" PS2 promptly blasted Pope Pomegranate in the head. He then rolled through and used his wirings to tap into the Vatican's system and erased all memory except for one smudgeon he could not delete.  
  
"VROOM VROOM!" PS2 roared, spinning wildly. Bono stood.  
  
"Alright, droidy!" Bono shouted.  
  
"Good work!" Duke applauded. Grim then burst through, Pulsing Vader along.  
  
"We're done here," Grim said. He looked down at Vader. "Don't worry, Marv. I'll find you a position of power." Vader smiled through the sock and beneath the helmet."  
  
They did. Marv Vader had a position of power . . . among Little League baseball players on Tatooed. Vader was now an umpire for Little League games. Obi-Wan Shinobi continued to teach Duke the ways of the Jedi. Bono, Charlie, and Leah left on a little smuggling and singing escapade. PS2 stayed to watch Marv, also acting as an umpire. All was well, but . . .  
  
A ball hit Vader in the head. He scowled beneath his mask. Obi-Wan had the gall to do this to him, the feared Marv Vader! He would get him! He would . . . he would strike back!!  
  
"Fear me, world!" Vader shouted. "Fear me, Grim Jedi! The Umpire WILL Strike Back!!!" Another ball hit him in the head, knocking him to the ground.  
  
End of Episode IV 


End file.
